I haven’t been updating for long but to be honest, it’s because I really have nothing to update you guys about. Not to say that life is uninteresting, more about the way you phrase it to make it interesting but even so, I’ve nothing to share, and I’m sorry for that.
I just wanted to write a short blog post about what’s been on my mind recently.
I’ve started going to school again for my advanced diploma in counselling psychology, something I’ve always wanted since I was a teenager and being a counselor is a career path I’d really like to embark on because I’ve been through my own adversities which I might share here in future, adversities concerning religion, sexuality and suicidal tendencies and it was through the help of nice counselors that I could better understand myself and the others around me.
It’s through these classes that I’ve been attending that I’ve come to learn and better understand what I’ve been hearing growing up – how to better listen and how to ‘seek first to understand, then to be understood’ a habit from Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Taken from notaboutkids
I’ve been having really negative thoughts about my hijab and turban and Islam in general, recently. Less along the lines of ‘this is a bad religion’, rather, ‘I am not worthy of being an example for non-Muslims to look to and learn about the religion from’. When you don the headgear and cover yourself up, at least in Singapore, you are proclaiming that you are a Muslim and that you are an example for others to follow and I don’t feel like I’m ready for that stress and judgement.
I’ve been wearing my headgear for more than a year and I just feel as though the person I am now is unprepared for it. I smoke, I cuss, I’ve got bouts of impatience and a loud laugh that to be honest, everyone is allowed to do/ have, these are all personal traits but somehow, because I don the hijab, it’s inappropriate for me to do so.
And I can’t stand it.
I grew up in a very religious background but because I rebelled during my teen years, I’ve forgotten how to properly pray (although I’ve gotten myself a book to help me remember, don’t jump on me, mate), I’ve forgotten the 5 pillars of Islam, I’ve forgotten our ‘rules and regulations’ – I’ve basically forgotten everything that I’ve learned about Islam and I feel so disappointed in myself.
I would like to take baby steps to relearn this beautiful religion but somehow I feel ashamed of having taken a step forward by choosing to cover myself up, yet taking two steps backward by making a choice to take it off. What would people say, what would people think of me? What would they say about my mother, about my strength (or lack of), what would their perception of me be after this?
I realized I need to think of myself first, make myself happy before I can even care about what others say about me but I still wanted to hear someone else’s opinion and I decided to try talking to one of my colleagues whom I was starting to get close to.
Now don’t get me wrong, she’s a lovely person who I feel like I can connect to because we share some similar traits but as soon as I started sharing about why I don’t feel like donning my hijab anymore, she started telling me about how restrictive other Islamic states are, and that I should be grateful that I’m in Singapore where we have more religious freedom.
I just feel like I wasn’t listened to, and that’s slightly unfair on my part because having gone for counselling classes, the first thing we were taught is to listen, and listen well. Not just to the words being spoken but to the body language as well – it was unfair of me to believe that everyone should listen well just because that’s what I’m being trained to do.
I still like my colleague, a person’s behavior doesn’t define who they are as a person but I just wish I could share these thoughts and opinions of mine with someone who would understand, respect, accept and just listen without judgement before giving their input.
I’m not good at sharing my views, and more often than not, when I am speaking, I’m at a loss for words because not often do I get to speak, when I do get the opportunity I stumble but I hope people understand me anyway.
I hope you guys understand me.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, I just wanted to get something off my chest.
Everyone is looking for love and acceptance, but not everyone loves and accepts themselves.
I’m unhappy with the self that I am now, and I want to move closer to becoming my ideal self.