Placebic Phrases

to soothe the mind of;


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About My Hijab / Or Future Lack Of

I haven’t been updating for long but to be honest, it’s because I really have nothing to update you guys about. Not to say that life is uninteresting, more about the way you phrase it to make it interesting but even so, I’ve nothing to share, and I’m sorry for that.

I just wanted to write a short blog post about what’s been on my mind recently.

I’ve started going to school again for my advanced diploma in counselling psychology, something I’ve always wanted since I was a teenager and being a counselor is a career path I’d really like to embark on because I’ve been through my own adversities which I might share here in future, adversities concerning religion, sexuality and suicidal tendencies and it was through the help of nice counselors that I could better understand myself and the others around me.

It’s through these classes that I’ve been attending that I’ve come to learn and better understand what I’ve been hearing growing up – how to better listen and how to ‘seek first to understand, then to be understood’ a habit from Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

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Taken from notaboutkids

I’ve been having really negative thoughts about my hijab and turban and Islam in general, recently. Less along the lines of ‘this is a bad religion’, rather, ‘I am not worthy of being an example for non-Muslims to look to and learn about the religion from’. When you don the headgear and cover yourself up, at least in Singapore, you are proclaiming that you are a Muslim and that you are an example for others to follow and I don’t feel like I’m ready for that stress and judgement.

I’ve been wearing my headgear for more than a year and I just feel as though the person I am now is unprepared for it. I smoke, I cuss, I’ve got bouts of impatience and a loud laugh that to be honest, everyone is allowed to do/ have, these are all personal traits but somehow, because I don the hijab, it’s inappropriate for me to do so.

And I can’t stand it.

I grew up in a very religious background but because I rebelled during my teen years, I’ve forgotten how to properly pray (although I’ve gotten myself a book to help me remember, don’t jump on me, mate), I’ve forgotten the 5 pillars of Islam, I’ve forgotten our ‘rules and regulations’ – I’ve basically forgotten everything that I’ve learned about Islam and I feel so disappointed in myself.

I would like to take baby steps to relearn this beautiful religion but somehow I feel ashamed of having taken a step forward by choosing to cover myself up, yet taking two steps backward by making a choice to take it off. What would people say, what would people think of me? What would they say about my mother, about my strength (or lack of), what would their perception of me be after this?

I realized I need to think of myself first, make myself happy before I can even care about what others say about me but I still wanted to hear someone else’s opinion and I decided to try talking to one of my colleagues whom I was starting to get close to.

Now don’t get me wrong, she’s a lovely person who I feel like I can connect to because we share some similar traits but as soon as I started sharing about why I don’t feel like donning my hijab anymore, she started telling me about how restrictive other Islamic states are, and that I should be grateful that I’m in Singapore where we have more religious freedom.

I just feel like I wasn’t listened to, and that’s slightly unfair on my part because having gone for counselling classes, the first thing we were taught is to listen, and listen well. Not just to the words being spoken but to the body language as well – it was unfair of me to believe that everyone should listen well just because that’s what I’m being trained to do.

I still like my colleague, a person’s behavior doesn’t define who they are as a person but I just wish I could share these thoughts and opinions of mine with someone who would understand, respect, accept and just listen without judgement before giving their input.

I’m not good at sharing my views, and more often than not, when I am speaking, I’m at a loss for words because not often do I get to speak, when I do get the opportunity I stumble but I hope people understand me anyway.

I hope you guys understand me.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, I just wanted to get something off my chest.

Everyone is looking for love and acceptance, but not everyone loves and accepts themselves.

I’m unhappy with the self that I am now, and I want to move closer to becoming my ideal self.


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Of Rojak and Malay Superstitions

Rojak is life.

Or close enough, at least. The other day, the ‘senior’ part-timers for my store went out for lunch and just a hanging out/ catching up session in general.

It’s really difficult to do so since we have other commitments like school and family and of course, work, the place where we met and became friends so I’m really happy we got to make this happen!

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From left to right, there’s Ziela, Hazel and Hajar.

After our lunch of rojak, we sat down at Lorong Di and just… talked. I can’t stress how much I love hanging out with friends doing nothing much but just enjoying each other’s company.

We headed off to Hazel’s place to watch a movie and let me just abruptly change the topic to Malay superstitions and supernatural beings.

The movie we watched was called Nasi Tangas and it’s about a woman who is jealous of the relationship between her husband and his female best friend.

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To get his attention back, she decides to feed him nasi kangkang (straddle rice). The method of preparation is that she takes freshly cooked rice, places it on the floor and stands on top of it without undergarments on, straddling it somehow so that the steam from the rice rises up, condenses and the steam that drips into the rice contains traces of her privates.

Supposedly whoever eats this rice will obey the maker’s every command.

That’s just insane, there are two other nasi kangkang variations (even grosser ones tbh) that were shown in this movie but to keep it short and simple I won’t elaborate on them.

Idk where all these black magic spells and potions come from but dang son, if your man is straying do you really need to feed him rice mixed with your juices? That’s just plain nasty!

Does your culture have crazy superstitions like this, or is it just mine? Do share, I’d be interested to know!


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21st Dinner

So I just got home from having dinner at JEM’s Laksania with my mother and two bothers (love you guys) and I am knackered.

It’s my 21st birthday today but it feels like just another day – I guess that’s part and parcel of growing up. I’m glad to have been in the company of my family and to have been able to spend time with them, it’s not often we have meals together; both at home and outside so when we do, I feel blessed.

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My mother exclaimed that she looked like my grandmother in these Polaroids.
Considering that’s her mother… well alright mak.

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Pretty rare to have a picture with my Abang Anjang, Haikal smiling so I really like this. Gonna pin it to my memory board.

I’m currently just chilling on my bed, waiting for the update on whether my Abang Angah wants to go to Mustaffa Centre or not. I hope he does – I’ve been meaning to go for the longest time!

Until the next time, bye!


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21 in 2015

To be honest, 2014 was a pretty rough year for me, from entering a new school, making new friends, falling out of contact (or is it just falling out, period?) with existing friends, trying to deal with past mistakes, making new ones and finally understanding that I have not gotten closure after 24th August – it’s been pretty much a roller coaster.

I’m glad to say that I’m seeking help now for my adjustment disorder but I’ve been avoiding school and the people there and I’m really just so unsure of what to do about the whole situation.

The solution seems pretty clear and straightforward but I’ve always been a coward when it comes to taking responsibility.

I think I still need some time on my own.


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Reflection

I feel like I’ve been a complete asshole (pardon my French) this week. I’m constantly doing or saying mean things to people, apologizing afterwards but doing it yet again the next day. This is not a healthy thing for me to do, but I can’t help it.

Actually, yes I can – saying ‘I can’t help it’ is such a passive and defeatist attitude. I have to admit, I’m quite a quick-tempered, insecure, and moody person, and although everything that I’m insecure about has something to do with what has happened in the past, the people in the present do not know of it. How is it their fault that they do things that I’m not comfortable with, if they don’t even know that I’m not comfortable with it? 

It’s about time I grew up and stopped blaming everything that I do as a result of the past. 


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SKU SUX

It’s barely been two months in and we’re all up to our necks in assignments and commitments – those I can manage, but oh Lord, when it comes to social interactions I really feel deprived – I miss my best friends, and I miss my mother (despite the fact that we live in the same house) like ay we’re so close yet so far and I totally blame school for that. 

Not to sound insulting but this is the least prestigious school I’ve attended yet this is the one that gives me the most stress like what’s up with that? I actually like being stressed out about school work (super nerd, sorry) like, it gives me a sense of purpose and something to work towards, and have a sense of accomplishment for once I’m done but oh my goodness giving us graded work as soon as we start school, and barely after we’re getting the hang of the new things that we’re learning – bat poop insane. 

Will definitely update on Wednesday or Friday, since I’ll be about done with one major assignment, and school ends pretty okay-ish/ early then. Miss expressing myself here, and miss the excitement of looking out for comments and what not.

I love you mah blog, don’t you worry your pretty little head off alright? 


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In Relationships, I’m Done

And I’m not referring to BGRs, although, to be fair, I’m pretty much done with those as well.

I’m actually supposed to be revising, and the only reason why I came online on my mother’s laptop is actually to check out the proper term for something I’m learning, but I got distracted by Twitter, and here I am – oh, technology. How backwards you’ve made us!

I’ve gotten to the age where I’m totally done with drama, although looking back, I was just about done with it a long time ago – but it’s pretty difficult to escape, especially now that I’m in a class where I’m the oldest, and the youngest is either 3-4 years younger than I am.

It’s only been three weeks since school started, and two since lessons (yay!) started, and already there’s been class scandals and disputes, but seriously?

I don’t understand the need for some individuals to lie about their past experiences and background, just to fit in. If you’re a nice enough person, you’ll be accepted regardless – why set yourself up for the liability of being ostracized when your lies get discovered (and trust me, they will get discovered, sooner or later)?

Or the need for other individuals to constantly put others down just to feel better about themselves. If the only way you feel good about yourself is by making others feel or look bad, don’t you think that pretty much shows how superficial you are as a person? When you bitch about others, it reflects badly on you, please remember that. And while we’re on the topic of remembering, do note that if someone talks about others to you, they’re probably talking about you to others as well.

And now that I’m talking about staying sharp, stay sharp on the lookout for passive-aggressive folk cause gosh darn, if they aren’t the most emotionally draining and negative influence you will ever have in your life, since ever.

We all know the typical bullies, the ones who’d gang up on you, make jokes at your expense, throw things at you, so on and so forth – but passive-aggressive people? Oh Lord, please have mercy and save our souls. They can cut you down, make you feel like you’re a horrible excuse for a human being, just make you feel like a plastic bag (thank you Katy Perry, for that wise simile, where would I be without you?) – but when someone asks you why you dislike being around them, you can’t explain it to them without sounding feeble – they have to have been in your shoes to understand!

And it doesn’t just apply to bullies, it can apply to ‘basic’ (gurl, you ratchet, those shoes with that purse? Oh Lordy!) passive-aggressive people as well – and it’s just as tiring, trust me.

As much as I try to avoid conflict and drama, with a class full of girls it’s pretty difficult to avoid. I suppose I’ve just got to surround myself with positive vibes, and keep my eyes on the prize – a progression to either Singapore or Ngee Ann Polytechnic.

I know I can do it, the issue is – will my fire burn bright or will it fizzle out?

Only God knows.