Placebic Phrases

to soothe the mind of;


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About My Hijab / Or Future Lack Of

I haven’t been updating for long but to be honest, it’s because I really have nothing to update you guys about. Not to say that life is uninteresting, more about the way you phrase it to make it interesting but even so, I’ve nothing to share, and I’m sorry for that.

I just wanted to write a short blog post about what’s been on my mind recently.

I’ve started going to school again for my advanced diploma in counselling psychology, something I’ve always wanted since I was a teenager and being a counselor is a career path I’d really like to embark on because I’ve been through my own adversities which I might share here in future, adversities concerning religion, sexuality and suicidal tendencies and it was through the help of nice counselors that I could better understand myself and the others around me.

It’s through these classes that I’ve been attending that I’ve come to learn and better understand what I’ve been hearing growing up – how to better listen and how to ‘seek first to understand, then to be understood’ a habit from Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

judgement-free-zone

Taken from notaboutkids

I’ve been having really negative thoughts about my hijab and turban and Islam in general, recently. Less along the lines of ‘this is a bad religion’, rather, ‘I am not worthy of being an example for non-Muslims to look to and learn about the religion from’. When you don the headgear and cover yourself up, at least in Singapore, you are proclaiming that you are a Muslim and that you are an example for others to follow and I don’t feel like I’m ready for that stress and judgement.

I’ve been wearing my headgear for more than a year and I just feel as though the person I am now is unprepared for it. I smoke, I cuss, I’ve got bouts of impatience and a loud laugh that to be honest, everyone is allowed to do/ have, these are all personal traits but somehow, because I don the hijab, it’s inappropriate for me to do so.

And I can’t stand it.

I grew up in a very religious background but because I rebelled during my teen years, I’ve forgotten how to properly pray (although I’ve gotten myself a book to help me remember, don’t jump on me, mate), I’ve forgotten the 5 pillars of Islam, I’ve forgotten our ‘rules and regulations’ – I’ve basically forgotten everything that I’ve learned about Islam and I feel so disappointed in myself.

I would like to take baby steps to relearn this beautiful religion but somehow I feel ashamed of having taken a step forward by choosing to cover myself up, yet taking two steps backward by making a choice to take it off. What would people say, what would people think of me? What would they say about my mother, about my strength (or lack of), what would their perception of me be after this?

I realized I need to think of myself first, make myself happy before I can even care about what others say about me but I still wanted to hear someone else’s opinion and I decided to try talking to one of my colleagues whom I was starting to get close to.

Now don’t get me wrong, she’s a lovely person who I feel like I can connect to because we share some similar traits but as soon as I started sharing about why I don’t feel like donning my hijab anymore, she started telling me about how restrictive other Islamic states are, and that I should be grateful that I’m in Singapore where we have more religious freedom.

I just feel like I wasn’t listened to, and that’s slightly unfair on my part because having gone for counselling classes, the first thing we were taught is to listen, and listen well. Not just to the words being spoken but to the body language as well – it was unfair of me to believe that everyone should listen well just because that’s what I’m being trained to do.

I still like my colleague, a person’s behavior doesn’t define who they are as a person but I just wish I could share these thoughts and opinions of mine with someone who would understand, respect, accept and just listen without judgement before giving their input.

I’m not good at sharing my views, and more often than not, when I am speaking, I’m at a loss for words because not often do I get to speak, when I do get the opportunity I stumble but I hope people understand me anyway.

I hope you guys understand me.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, I just wanted to get something off my chest.

Everyone is looking for love and acceptance, but not everyone loves and accepts themselves.

I’m unhappy with the self that I am now, and I want to move closer to becoming my ideal self.

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Sins of the Father

Doesn’t the title just scream incest, whips and rape? Nah, just got reminded of a Marian Keyes novel.

I’ve just ended my counselling session and today we talked about my relationship with my father. My father and I, we were never close. Growing up, I believed that my father resented me because I was a surprise child. This was further reinforced by my observation of how differently my siblings individually and I were treated. He’d ask my brothers for help, ask them to accompany him to places and he used to extend the invitation to me until I grew up – I guess he just didn’t know how to deal with an angsty teenage girl.

He would never praise or encourage us, rather he would chastise us if we were to do wrong in his eyes – the reality could be different to my siblings, but this is what I remember of my childhood.

To get a reaction out of him, I used to hang out late with the older teenagers or not come home occasionally but I never did get the reaction I wanted. I wanted him to ask me where I was, who I was out with, what I was doing – I just wanted some verbal confirmation that he cared. I just wanted to know I was loved.

Reflecting now it’s almost juvenile the methods I tried to get his affection. Almost like a textbook case of acting out in order to get attention, but that was what I did.

Fast forward to now, that I’m 21 years old, not a rebellious teen who thinks she knows everything anymore and I’m seeking help for my personal issues. What came up as a theme for discussion was my relationship with my father and how it links to my relationships with boys and men and it was truly an eye opening talk, to say in the least. My father and I have a 44 year age gap between us and he was raised by very traditional Malays who in those days strongly believed that men were to play a central figure while women were to play a back-up role: to serve to the needs and wants of the central figure. I may not like it but I understand my father’s parenting and ‘husbanding’ style better now –

It’s not his fault that he is the way he is, it’s the way he was brought up and conditioned to act and feel, especially as he grew up in a war-filled environment (the Japanese occupation of Singapore, 1942-1946).

At the end of the day, it would be difficult for me to change him but what I can change is how I deal with it.

I just want to share a phrase I found online that I really like and can connect with:-

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Until next time, then.


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21st Dinner

So I just got home from having dinner at JEM’s Laksania with my mother and two bothers (love you guys) and I am knackered.

It’s my 21st birthday today but it feels like just another day – I guess that’s part and parcel of growing up. I’m glad to have been in the company of my family and to have been able to spend time with them, it’s not often we have meals together; both at home and outside so when we do, I feel blessed.

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My mother exclaimed that she looked like my grandmother in these Polaroids.
Considering that’s her mother… well alright mak.

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Pretty rare to have a picture with my Abang Anjang, Haikal smiling so I really like this. Gonna pin it to my memory board.

I’m currently just chilling on my bed, waiting for the update on whether my Abang Angah wants to go to Mustaffa Centre or not. I hope he does – I’ve been meaning to go for the longest time!

Until the next time, bye!


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21 in 2015

To be honest, 2014 was a pretty rough year for me, from entering a new school, making new friends, falling out of contact (or is it just falling out, period?) with existing friends, trying to deal with past mistakes, making new ones and finally understanding that I have not gotten closure after 24th August – it’s been pretty much a roller coaster.

I’m glad to say that I’m seeking help now for my adjustment disorder but I’ve been avoiding school and the people there and I’m really just so unsure of what to do about the whole situation.

The solution seems pretty clear and straightforward but I’ve always been a coward when it comes to taking responsibility.

I think I still need some time on my own.