Placebic Phrases

to soothe the mind of;


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About My Hijab / Or Future Lack Of

I haven’t been updating for long but to be honest, it’s because I really have nothing to update you guys about. Not to say that life is uninteresting, more about the way you phrase it to make it interesting but even so, I’ve nothing to share, and I’m sorry for that.

I just wanted to write a short blog post about what’s been on my mind recently.

I’ve started going to school again for my advanced diploma in counselling psychology, something I’ve always wanted since I was a teenager and being a counselor is a career path I’d really like to embark on because I’ve been through my own adversities which I might share here in future, adversities concerning religion, sexuality and suicidal tendencies and it was through the help of nice counselors that I could better understand myself and the others around me.

It’s through these classes that I’ve been attending that I’ve come to learn and better understand what I’ve been hearing growing up – how to better listen and how to ‘seek first to understand, then to be understood’ a habit from Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

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Taken from notaboutkids

I’ve been having really negative thoughts about my hijab and turban and Islam in general, recently. Less along the lines of ‘this is a bad religion’, rather, ‘I am not worthy of being an example for non-Muslims to look to and learn about the religion from’. When you don the headgear and cover yourself up, at least in Singapore, you are proclaiming that you are a Muslim and that you are an example for others to follow and I don’t feel like I’m ready for that stress and judgement.

I’ve been wearing my headgear for more than a year and I just feel as though the person I am now is unprepared for it. I smoke, I cuss, I’ve got bouts of impatience and a loud laugh that to be honest, everyone is allowed to do/ have, these are all personal traits but somehow, because I don the hijab, it’s inappropriate for me to do so.

And I can’t stand it.

I grew up in a very religious background but because I rebelled during my teen years, I’ve forgotten how to properly pray (although I’ve gotten myself a book to help me remember, don’t jump on me, mate), I’ve forgotten the 5 pillars of Islam, I’ve forgotten our ‘rules and regulations’ – I’ve basically forgotten everything that I’ve learned about Islam and I feel so disappointed in myself.

I would like to take baby steps to relearn this beautiful religion but somehow I feel ashamed of having taken a step forward by choosing to cover myself up, yet taking two steps backward by making a choice to take it off. What would people say, what would people think of me? What would they say about my mother, about my strength (or lack of), what would their perception of me be after this?

I realized I need to think of myself first, make myself happy before I can even care about what others say about me but I still wanted to hear someone else’s opinion and I decided to try talking to one of my colleagues whom I was starting to get close to.

Now don’t get me wrong, she’s a lovely person who I feel like I can connect to because we share some similar traits but as soon as I started sharing about why I don’t feel like donning my hijab anymore, she started telling me about how restrictive other Islamic states are, and that I should be grateful that I’m in Singapore where we have more religious freedom.

I just feel like I wasn’t listened to, and that’s slightly unfair on my part because having gone for counselling classes, the first thing we were taught is to listen, and listen well. Not just to the words being spoken but to the body language as well – it was unfair of me to believe that everyone should listen well just because that’s what I’m being trained to do.

I still like my colleague, a person’s behavior doesn’t define who they are as a person but I just wish I could share these thoughts and opinions of mine with someone who would understand, respect, accept and just listen without judgement before giving their input.

I’m not good at sharing my views, and more often than not, when I am speaking, I’m at a loss for words because not often do I get to speak, when I do get the opportunity I stumble but I hope people understand me anyway.

I hope you guys understand me.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, I just wanted to get something off my chest.

Everyone is looking for love and acceptance, but not everyone loves and accepts themselves.

I’m unhappy with the self that I am now, and I want to move closer to becoming my ideal self.


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Of Rojak and Malay Superstitions

Rojak is life.

Or close enough, at least. The other day, the ‘senior’ part-timers for my store went out for lunch and just a hanging out/ catching up session in general.

It’s really difficult to do so since we have other commitments like school and family and of course, work, the place where we met and became friends so I’m really happy we got to make this happen!

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From left to right, there’s Ziela, Hazel and Hajar.

After our lunch of rojak, we sat down at Lorong Di and just… talked. I can’t stress how much I love hanging out with friends doing nothing much but just enjoying each other’s company.

We headed off to Hazel’s place to watch a movie and let me just abruptly change the topic to Malay superstitions and supernatural beings.

The movie we watched was called Nasi Tangas and it’s about a woman who is jealous of the relationship between her husband and his female best friend.

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To get his attention back, she decides to feed him nasi kangkang (straddle rice). The method of preparation is that she takes freshly cooked rice, places it on the floor and stands on top of it without undergarments on, straddling it somehow so that the steam from the rice rises up, condenses and the steam that drips into the rice contains traces of her privates.

Supposedly whoever eats this rice will obey the maker’s every command.

That’s just insane, there are two other nasi kangkang variations (even grosser ones tbh) that were shown in this movie but to keep it short and simple I won’t elaborate on them.

Idk where all these black magic spells and potions come from but dang son, if your man is straying do you really need to feed him rice mixed with your juices? That’s just plain nasty!

Does your culture have crazy superstitions like this, or is it just mine? Do share, I’d be interested to know!


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21 in 2015

To be honest, 2014 was a pretty rough year for me, from entering a new school, making new friends, falling out of contact (or is it just falling out, period?) with existing friends, trying to deal with past mistakes, making new ones and finally understanding that I have not gotten closure after 24th August – it’s been pretty much a roller coaster.

I’m glad to say that I’m seeking help now for my adjustment disorder but I’ve been avoiding school and the people there and I’m really just so unsure of what to do about the whole situation.

The solution seems pretty clear and straightforward but I’ve always been a coward when it comes to taking responsibility.

I think I still need some time on my own.


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In Relationships, I’m Done

And I’m not referring to BGRs, although, to be fair, I’m pretty much done with those as well.

I’m actually supposed to be revising, and the only reason why I came online on my mother’s laptop is actually to check out the proper term for something I’m learning, but I got distracted by Twitter, and here I am – oh, technology. How backwards you’ve made us!

I’ve gotten to the age where I’m totally done with drama, although looking back, I was just about done with it a long time ago – but it’s pretty difficult to escape, especially now that I’m in a class where I’m the oldest, and the youngest is either 3-4 years younger than I am.

It’s only been three weeks since school started, and two since lessons (yay!) started, and already there’s been class scandals and disputes, but seriously?

I don’t understand the need for some individuals to lie about their past experiences and background, just to fit in. If you’re a nice enough person, you’ll be accepted regardless – why set yourself up for the liability of being ostracized when your lies get discovered (and trust me, they will get discovered, sooner or later)?

Or the need for other individuals to constantly put others down just to feel better about themselves. If the only way you feel good about yourself is by making others feel or look bad, don’t you think that pretty much shows how superficial you are as a person? When you bitch about others, it reflects badly on you, please remember that. And while we’re on the topic of remembering, do note that if someone talks about others to you, they’re probably talking about you to others as well.

And now that I’m talking about staying sharp, stay sharp on the lookout for passive-aggressive folk cause gosh darn, if they aren’t the most emotionally draining and negative influence you will ever have in your life, since ever.

We all know the typical bullies, the ones who’d gang up on you, make jokes at your expense, throw things at you, so on and so forth – but passive-aggressive people? Oh Lord, please have mercy and save our souls. They can cut you down, make you feel like you’re a horrible excuse for a human being, just make you feel like a plastic bag (thank you Katy Perry, for that wise simile, where would I be without you?) – but when someone asks you why you dislike being around them, you can’t explain it to them without sounding feeble – they have to have been in your shoes to understand!

And it doesn’t just apply to bullies, it can apply to ‘basic’ (gurl, you ratchet, those shoes with that purse? Oh Lordy!) passive-aggressive people as well – and it’s just as tiring, trust me.

As much as I try to avoid conflict and drama, with a class full of girls it’s pretty difficult to avoid. I suppose I’ve just got to surround myself with positive vibes, and keep my eyes on the prize – a progression to either Singapore or Ngee Ann Polytechnic.

I know I can do it, the issue is – will my fire burn bright or will it fizzle out?

Only God knows.


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Orientation Thus Far

Sorry for the lack of posts for the past few days, my body clock’s still messed up and I’m adjusting to waking up early and actually doing things in the morning and having to repeat the cycle the next day. Used to go to bed at 6am and wake up at 2 in the afternoon but obviously that’s not going to be an option any longer.

Talking about the past days would take up a lot of time, so I think I’ll just blog about today – and a lot of things happened today, and I had so much fun!

Early in the morning we had a mascot challenge, where we had to dress up a member of our class to fit the theme of ‘fairytale’. We chose ‘unimaid’ – a unicorn + mermaid bastard child because apparently our class has an obsession with both, and poor Ruzaini was thrusted into the role. He was a really good sport about it though – what with having to wear a bra, a wig, makeup and whatnot…


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First we stuffed his bra – check out the amount of chicks around him doing so!
I want to say this must be a guy’s dream but I highly doubt so… 

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Then we put on his pretty girl camouflage…

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Help him out with his wig, which was actually an otaku classmate’s Hatsune Miku cosplay wig –

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And lastly, what would a unicorn-mermaid be without his tusk?

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Took photos with him for posterity’s sake and damn he rocked that runway!

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Special mention: twerking fairy!
This guy’s super happening, had the whole hall cracking up! His confidence was super delightful, I swear.

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Still think Ruzaini’s prettiest though.

Had a couple of talks after the mascot competition. The first one was about smoking if I’m not wrong. I completely understand why schools are for deterring students from taking up smoking, because let’s face it, it is a bad habit, both for your health, your pockets and what not, but come on, do you really think that all smokers are comically bad?

*walks with a swagger* “Hey, you, do you want to hang out with us cool kids? Look at us, we’re so exclusive, don’t you want to join? Just take a stick, that’s all it takes, come on, what do your ‘friends’ know, they’re not really your friends, take a stick and really live life!”

When in the world has that ever happened? 

Excuse me I don’t know about other countries, perhaps it might happen in Russia because they sound like baddies but it will never happen in Singapore, mark my words. for the reasons that

1. tobacco tax back in 2011 was at 67%, and recently there’s been a 10% tax hike – you think we so generous ah want give you a free stick?

2. WHO DOES THAT? 

Deterrent skits like that might work for primary school kids, but considering the current generation’s exposure to the media, even then, only the lower primary kids. And you’re showing this to us, young adults?

Why not make the storyline different, it doesn’t always have to be some smoker trying to induct a non-smoker in the most random encounters ever, and the smoker doesn’t always have to be preposterously bad. Why not instead of constantly preaching not to start smoking, why not skits about how to quit smoking instead, sure, prevention is better than cure, but oh Lord I’m so tired of these nonsensical attempts at trying to get youths to not smoke and I know I’m not the only one, ugh.

Moving on to better talks, we had an interactive skit where the cast would come into the audience to get our thoughts and opinions on how the next scene could be carried out, and it was pretty interesting, we discussed why our college gets so much flak, why the stereotypes exist and how we can beat the mentality.

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Rini got called up and I’m so glad that now everyone gets to see how insanely funny she is!
Can’t believe how coolly she did everything, mad props.

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Truth be told the rest of them were not to our liking so we decided to camwhore instead.
I suppose karma’s a fast hitter though, cause majority of our photos turned out blurry.

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Shout out to Maria, the one flipping the bird though – she was super shy and quiet when I met her but insanely sassy and loud now, constantly screaming and making jokes about anything and everything.
Not used to it yet but hey, every sandwich needs it’s chilli sauce right?

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4/5 of the girls I’ve been glued to these past few days. 

Had a digital talk afterwards which again, was interactive. Talked about how what we do online affects real people, and that they have repercussions but I think everyone already knows that. Really interesting thing was how one of the actors was actually from Suria (Singaporean local channel for Malays):-

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Lady in the middle – I don’t recognize her but a couple others did, apparently!

Hung out with Rini after school, something which is occurring constantly since we first met. It’s pretty nice to have someone whom is new to you but you can just click very well with them, thanks to them being similar in mentalities and habits, but bounces off your dynamics – you know, introverts and extroverts, shy and outgoing, bitchy and sweet, so on and so forth?

Went to AMK Hub (which sucks, I’m sorry) to look for accessories for school but couldn’t find any so we just enjoyed each other’s company before heading home, where I am now, writing this post.

As much as I like writing and expressing myself, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to do so, what with how tired I am after school, and how little time I’m going to have to do so considering I have to wake up latest by 5am.

Let’s just hope things will get better, and/ or I get used to them soon.

Until my next post, enjoy my classmate, Maira’s pedoface!

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I hope she never sees this –
HAHAHA 


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March 11th

I have grown, too fast, too young.
I will never be the same,
and you are the one to blame.

I am not an innocent party.
I’ve taken flak, inflicted pain,
but why does it seem like you’ve so much to gain?

Stupid girl, foolish girl.
Did you really think he loved you,
when you don’t destroy those to whom you are true?

Time after time.
You cry at night, thinking of your sins,
while he’s out enjoying himself, nothing but grins.

But that’s not true, is it?
He’s a tender soul, that’s why you loved him,
that’s why you held on when everything felt so grim.

Good boy, bad man.
We were too young, we were in too deep,
I have learnt now, talk is but cheap.

I love you.
I am not the girl I was, sure
but you’re not the boy I thought you were.

Past, present, future.
You will forever be a part of me,
and I’ll let you in again, if need be.


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Weight Thoughts

My weight has fluctuated more than Oprah’s has over the course of my entire life.

I was pleasantly rounded as a toddler, stick skinny as a child, plump as a teenager, and 50kg of pure average now, as a young adult.

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14 vs 19 year old me, in the same tank.

I was overweight in the past, but never obese. There was always something that made me stop and pull back, stop, you can be as self-loving as you want, you can believe in the ‘only dogs like bones, real men go for curves’ bs but for your own sake, never ever go beyond this weight mark, this size, the way a certain number makes you feel on the inside.

I’m not saying that you have to hate yourself, and beat yourself up constantly to ensure that you keep your health and appearances in check. But working in a lady’s retail store that boasts a vast selection of sizes – it does make you think, with larger sizes being offered, why should I lose weight?

There was a customer that came in yesterday that was unimpressed with the size selection. “Back in the past, you guys only had until size 14, what size do you guys have up to now?” To which I replied, a 20. “A 20!” she then went on to say incredulously, her eyes widening.

“So is your brand promoting obesity or what?” 

Here’s the deets straight up: this lady isn’t skinny, by any means, nor is she a blimp, she was just between UK 12 – 14 of pure averageness, her body type and shape fit someone of her age. There was nothing outstanding about her appearance, so she wasn’t being a snob, nor bitchy when she said what she did. She was just curious, and frankly speaking, so was I.

I’m all for loving yourself, and loving the body that you are born with, but I am not for promoting laziness and self-indulgence. I fully understand that genetics do play a role, and that body size does not equate healthiness.

I just wished more people realized that, and stopped with all the ‘thigh gaps are beautiful!’, ‘collarbones are sexy!’, ‘girls with asses and butts > girls as flat as a chalkboard’, so on and so forth.

I’m not for emaciated skinny chicks, nor am I for chunky chubby chicks. ‘Average’ pretty much sums up my preferences – but average isn’t going to sell in the magazines, nor TV nor any other media, is it now?

Between the size 0 models and the plus sized models, I have no one to look and relate to, and that, well.

That pretty much sucks.